I have been doing much thinking, especially after my meeting with the Ent, an ancient being who makes our lives, how many things we’ve seen done and undone, empires falling and rising… Their existence makes even our kind’s immortality seem so short. It gave me some perspective.
I’m beginning to wonder two things. First of all… How could anyone leave somewhere such as this, a world with this kind of potential? We seem to have succumbed to boredom, depression, hopelessness. I can understand it all, but we are to give up? Not attempt to integrate or stay here? There’s so much out here, the nuances of it are things that cannot be read in books, cannot be seen in pictures, cannot be touched seen without direct experiece. After I’ve seen this, how I want to leave?! I know, that when I return, I will have to gather up my diary and leave, with all our kind – it seems inevitable.
The Ent-kind are far more ancient than even we, yet they have not given up and died. They have not decided that it’s pointless to stay and time to abandon this place. So why will we? Why, when there is much to see and do, if only you look?! At home, underlying the peaceful serenity and isolation, I felt a current of discontent and perhaps exhaustion among us. More and more all the time, the talk and the preparation and more talks and decisions and talks… The talk of leaving to the West.
And what did I do? I left. I went out, found my way to the outside world, and in a roughly covered, horse drawn wagon, rode the long, long trip to Ered Luin. I couldn’t take any more depressing, gloomy talk that seemed so unfit in the silver and gold lit trees and platforms of our home. Do not misunderstand me, friends. All of you are in my heart and my home is in my mind every day and night, here in a strange world bereft of the glowing beauty and comfort of Lórien.
Sometimes I wonder… am I running away from this fate? Am I going to plant my feet firmly and say “NO! I won’t go!” when the time comes and I am called away with the rest of my people to Valinor? I don’t know. I don’t even know if that can be done. Perhaps it is in my blood to follow that path – perhaps it is not.
Secondly, why is my rather uncommon second name of interest to the ancient ones? Is there something they know of my past, my ancestors, that I do not? I have never found “Avariquen” to be anything other than unusual and well chosen. It is in honor of those who came before me, of my family, it is a good name. Am I more than just myself? How? Why?
The story of my ancestors seems lost to the mists of time.
There are so many unanswered questions and I’m not sure what to make of it all right now.
But I’ll always send my love home to you. Namárië.