From Annuminas

October 24, 2008

My greetings from Annuminas, and apologies for having waited so long to write.  I’ve been embroiled in my own personal, internal struggle for quite a while, now.  And I couldn’t find it in me to write anything.  Nothing is at it seemed to be, anymore – I feel that I’ve lost a sight of who I am.

How far this feeling is from the gleeful letters I sent from Bree only a few weeks ago.  This melancholy is not going to go away – those around me seem to want to force it upon me.  I have decisions to make of which I do not want to think.

I know what I am supposed to do.  And it makes me feel empty.

I’ve attained the skillfulness of those far older and wiser than myself – I feel I should be treated as an equal rather than a child to be watched over. At one time, I didn’t feel this way.  At one time, I felt wanted and appreciated.

The feeling I have is that Thalya would like me to grow up, go home, and let her leave.  Stop running around consorting with “Men of questionable character” and act like one of our kind should act.  I’m sure she’s right.  But, when it comes down to it… We aren’t very much fun.  That is one of the first things I learned when I left.

I know that Thalya is right when she says that our time is ending.  To her, that means it’s time to leave.  To me… to me, I think that it means to make the most of it before I have to leave. I know I’ll have to make a difficult Choice at some point but I don’t want to think about it.  Can’t I go back to exploring, sleeping in fields, cutting my hair short, and consorting with “Men of questionable character,” at least for a little while? 

Maybe I can’t.  These are things which should not – and maybe cannot – be shared with those who have such a limited time to live.

Would I be this introspective at home?  I don’t remember.  I miss you all.

 

Namárië.


Back in Evendim

October 9, 2008

I don’t know how to process everything that has happened to me recently.  We came back to Evendim, to Tinnudír.  I thought perhaps the relative peace and quiet of this place would be soothing but I don’t know how I feel.  Right now I’m sitting here in this quiet, grand hall, full of sunlight and peaceful water and ancient statues.  But the darkness that’s taken me over recently is the kind that I’m not sure can be washed away.

The last time I was here, a long time ago with Haarland, everything seemed different.  Everything was peaceful, beautiful, amazing we spent a lot of time here together and it was a lot of good time.  Some of the last time I spent in his company, actually, before I left with Thalya for Rivendell.

I’d hoped that that returning here, I could soothe the engulfing fear and darkness I have seen in the last days.  But I’m alone.  And I realize – much of the beauty in being here was in being here together.  Just us.  He made me feel like the two of us could take on anything in the whole world.  I need that feeling again.  Because now… now I’m taking on the whole world.  And while I’m not doing it by myself…  I wish I was doing it with Haarland.  He is light.  When I last saw him, I felt blinded, as if the darkness was washed away.

But I sit here, with my bare feet in this glassy pool of water and my mind is wandering.  Wandering to why I started this journey and what it has become.  Who I’ve met, who I’ve left, and who should be important to me.  Whose feelings I’ve hurt.  I know someone.  I hurt his feelings badly.  Left him with things unsaid, things undone.

But god… the things I’ve seen.  The things i’ve seen.  The things I’ve found about my family, about my parents, my home.  The Choices I must make.  The nature of my existence.  I have to make such a choice as many before me have made, and I know what I must do.

I feel like as far as I have come, I cannot just STOP trying to at least stem the bleeding, since I know I can’t heal the wound.  Elrond himself is behind these plans, Elrond, comrade and friend of my father, Lord Elrond of Rivendell.  I can’t refuse  his requests, I feel the need to obey him as family.

I want to be back here with Haarland in Evendim all that time ago, when we were happy and things were beautiful.  I can’t appreciate the sun setting over the glassy lake, painting everything sunset colors in the same way. He makes me happy.  We work well together and have fun. Would that really lift this darkness?  I want to bring him here to be with me again, because that’s how it was when I was first here.  And it’s how it feels it should be.

But… If he were here… I don’t know if I could ever forgive myself for exposing him to the kind of darkness I’ve seen, which feels as though it now pulses through my veins, hangs like a mist on my skin… though it’s inevitable that he’d come in touch with it.  I don’t even know what I had gotten myself into.  I wonder what I’ve become – am I different than I was?  Do I look different?   

Every time I close my eyes I see the fire-lit halls of Barad Gúlaran…  The faceless crowds worshipping the red cloaked faceless Mordirith and  Amarthiel who summoned the very Eye of Sauron into existance – when I fell under its gaze i had never felt such dread and fear.  I knew, absolutely, that I was going to die.  And I awake when my vision just fades in my dreams.

I feel so alone, and I know he is not here with me to make it seem beautiful. The company, the conversation, the swimming and exploring and everything…  That’s what made it beautiful.  If I wished to, I have the power and ability to bring Haarland to my side.  Immediately.  If he would do so.  Perhaps he cannot or will not do that.  I’m not the same anymore and maybe he doesn’t want to be my friend after I abandoned him.

Perhaps it is time for me to join my parents in the West.  But I can’t give up what I am doing…  and… what I have… here.

It’s funny, sort of, how such trauma brings around such self examination.

Namárië.


Inside Barad Gúlaran

October 8, 2008

What awaited me inside Barad Gúlaran was beyond what I could have imagined.  I was to accompany a sweet looking old woman inside, to complete a mission of hers.  I defended her, I kept her safe.  She threw open a pair of huge doors at the end of a hall of fire.

And walked through a worshipful crowd of followers to stand next to Mordirith, with whom I have done battle in the past, several times nearly losing my life.  And then she put me into some sort of stunned trance, and revealed to me her “True Nature” – and became Amarthiel, servant of the Witch-king of Angmar.  When she took the stairs to a throne platform, spoke a few words and I was blinded (absolutely blinded, with light and with fear) by the image of the eye of Sauron himself.

When I awoke, I was outside.  Thalya was there.  I was unbelieving of what had just happened.  We found our way together back to Gath Forthnir, where we rested and thought on what had just happened.  My mind keeps wandering elsewhere – home, back to those days I spent in Bree recently, the dark and frightening things I have witnessed.  Darkness.  And incredible light.  I am not sure how I feel about many things.

My father would know what to do.

Namárië.


To Barad Gúlaran

October 8, 2008

I expect that you become a little worried when I write from places such as this.  I left my choices, uncertainties… and affairs of the heart… back at home for a while.  Thalya took me deep into Angmar, though I had no idea how deep we would go.

Over some rocky wasteland, we saw it rising into the red sky – Barad Gúlaran.  In my mind, still calm and happy from my recent, relaxing life…  I was screaming “NO!  NO!  Not again, I can’t!  I have things to go back to!”  But I felt myself continuing for the good of all of us, the good of this world.

Soon, we will be there.  I can’t imagine what horrors are there but I can feel pure evil pulsing down the hill from there.  I don’t want to be here.  But I need to do what I have to do.  I can’t leave behind this craving for adventure and responsibility to take these things on.

Wish me luck.  I have a feeling it will come in handy.

Namárië.