Back in Evendim

I don’t know how to process everything that has happened to me recently.  We came back to Evendim, to Tinnudír.  I thought perhaps the relative peace and quiet of this place would be soothing but I don’t know how I feel.  Right now I’m sitting here in this quiet, grand hall, full of sunlight and peaceful water and ancient statues.  But the darkness that’s taken me over recently is the kind that I’m not sure can be washed away.

The last time I was here, a long time ago with Haarland, everything seemed different.  Everything was peaceful, beautiful, amazing we spent a lot of time here together and it was a lot of good time.  Some of the last time I spent in his company, actually, before I left with Thalya for Rivendell.

I’d hoped that that returning here, I could soothe the engulfing fear and darkness I have seen in the last days.  But I’m alone.  And I realize – much of the beauty in being here was in being here together.  Just us.  He made me feel like the two of us could take on anything in the whole world.  I need that feeling again.  Because now… now I’m taking on the whole world.  And while I’m not doing it by myself…  I wish I was doing it with Haarland.  He is light.  When I last saw him, I felt blinded, as if the darkness was washed away.

But I sit here, with my bare feet in this glassy pool of water and my mind is wandering.  Wandering to why I started this journey and what it has become.  Who I’ve met, who I’ve left, and who should be important to me.  Whose feelings I’ve hurt.  I know someone.  I hurt his feelings badly.  Left him with things unsaid, things undone.

But god… the things I’ve seen.  The things i’ve seen.  The things I’ve found about my family, about my parents, my home.  The Choices I must make.  The nature of my existence.  I have to make such a choice as many before me have made, and I know what I must do.

I feel like as far as I have come, I cannot just STOP trying to at least stem the bleeding, since I know I can’t heal the wound.  Elrond himself is behind these plans, Elrond, comrade and friend of my father, Lord Elrond of Rivendell.  I can’t refuse  his requests, I feel the need to obey him as family.

I want to be back here with Haarland in Evendim all that time ago, when we were happy and things were beautiful.  I can’t appreciate the sun setting over the glassy lake, painting everything sunset colors in the same way. He makes me happy.  We work well together and have fun. Would that really lift this darkness?  I want to bring him here to be with me again, because that’s how it was when I was first here.  And it’s how it feels it should be.

But… If he were here… I don’t know if I could ever forgive myself for exposing him to the kind of darkness I’ve seen, which feels as though it now pulses through my veins, hangs like a mist on my skin… though it’s inevitable that he’d come in touch with it.  I don’t even know what I had gotten myself into.  I wonder what I’ve become – am I different than I was?  Do I look different?   

Every time I close my eyes I see the fire-lit halls of Barad Gúlaran…  The faceless crowds worshipping the red cloaked faceless Mordirith and  Amarthiel who summoned the very Eye of Sauron into existance – when I fell under its gaze i had never felt such dread and fear.  I knew, absolutely, that I was going to die.  And I awake when my vision just fades in my dreams.

I feel so alone, and I know he is not here with me to make it seem beautiful. The company, the conversation, the swimming and exploring and everything…  That’s what made it beautiful.  If I wished to, I have the power and ability to bring Haarland to my side.  Immediately.  If he would do so.  Perhaps he cannot or will not do that.  I’m not the same anymore and maybe he doesn’t want to be my friend after I abandoned him.

Perhaps it is time for me to join my parents in the West.  But I can’t give up what I am doing…  and… what I have… here.

It’s funny, sort of, how such trauma brings around such self examination.

Namárië.

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