My greetings from Annuminas, and apologies for having waited so long to write. I’ve been embroiled in my own personal, internal struggle for quite a while, now. And I couldn’t find it in me to write anything. Nothing is at it seemed to be, anymore – I feel that I’ve lost a sight of who I am.
How far this feeling is from the gleeful letters I sent from Bree only a few weeks ago. This melancholy is not going to go away – those around me seem to want to force it upon me. I have decisions to make of which I do not want to think.
I know what I am supposed to do. And it makes me feel empty.
I’ve attained the skillfulness of those far older and wiser than myself – I feel I should be treated as an equal rather than a child to be watched over. At one time, I didn’t feel this way. At one time, I felt wanted and appreciated.
The feeling I have is that Thalya would like me to grow up, go home, and let her leave. Stop running around consorting with “Men of questionable character” and act like one of our kind should act. I’m sure she’s right. But, when it comes down to it… We aren’t very much fun. That is one of the first things I learned when I left.
I know that Thalya is right when she says that our time is ending. To her, that means it’s time to leave. To me… to me, I think that it means to make the most of it before I have to leave. I know I’ll have to make a difficult Choice at some point but I don’t want to think about it. Can’t I go back to exploring, sleeping in fields, cutting my hair short, and consorting with “Men of questionable character,” at least for a little while?
Maybe I can’t. These are things which should not – and maybe cannot – be shared with those who have such a limited time to live.
Would I be this introspective at home? I don’t remember. I miss you all.