It’s raining in Andrath right now.
I lay here, silent, in the wet grass, and I feel and hear the rain falling all around me. And now I’ve come to realize that I’ve become someone different. What I did today, without thinking, was an uncontrolled reaction to my feelings. A passionate desire, almost an instinct, to protect someone to whom I feel I am bound. But I feel as though all I have done is prove how far away I now am. This cannot be undone, though all I painfully wish is to regain what I’ve lost. To regain a missing sense of happiness to warm how cold I feel inside.
My heart aches and I want nothing more than to lay here in the grass forever, looking up into the dark, green trees of this land. Can this rain not wash away the hurt and pain and darkness? How long must I lay here? And I wonder… if this what mortality feels like. All these long years I have lived without the feeling that I cannot control my own actions. I may be impulsive, but never before have I been dangerously careless and blinded by emotion . Can anyone live like this?
You will not recognize me, now. Nobody can – not even those I hold closest to me. I fear I will bring the rain to Lórien, my peaceful and golden home. The rain does not fall there, but I do not feel that it will ever stop.
I miss you all. Namárië.